Wednesday, December 7, 2011

helpful guide to your new division

I am not complaining about realignment, Caps are definitely not one of those teams who got screwed over. Our travel time got cut, we got set up with the people the NHL has been wanting us to date for awhile anyway--it's not going to be an easy division, but it's going to be an exciting division, and we are going to get great coverage because sorry to say but this division now contains basically all of the league's blatant favorites. We could probably cycle the Winter Classic through this division endlessly and Gary Bettman would be pleased as punch, until all the other teams murdered us of course.

Let's call it the Hate Division--because to be honest we have a lot more animosity and rivalry towards some of these teams than the teams we're in a division with right now, and hate makes for awesome hockey games.

Penguins: Don't let anyone tell you this is not a rivalry. Ask the 90s Caps if this is a rivalry. But most of all this is a rivalry in that we hate those motherfuckers, and we get loud when they come to town, we're still mad at Arron Asham and we are not drinking the Crosby koolaid. Bring it, Pittsburgh. Don't get cocky because you finally beat us in the regular season, because your record there is still pretty fucking bad. We look forward to taking twelve points from you every year.

Flyers: Make themselves very, very easy to dislike. Things already get nasty when we play them, they are guaranteed to get in our face, which is not all that pleasant for the Caps because some of the Flyers are not so cute. They think that they are the Broad Street Bullies a la the 70s but they are really more like L Street punks hanging out in the 7-11 parking lot--but they play us hard, and it always gets interesting. Significant downside: those orange jerseys are going to burn our eyes right out of their sockets. Sometimes HD is a curse.

Hurricanes: Hate us already. We hate them. We think they are prone to unnecessary three-act plays when they get so much as brushed by a stick, they are probably sick of us owning the Southeastern Division. I'd be sick of us, too, we've been fucking everywhere lately. Sorry Canes. We can't help it that we're so popular.

Devils: Only serious downside to the new division--playing New Jersey six times a year. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. I guess this would be a good time to take a nap?

Rangers: Remember that time when we beat the Rangers in the playoffs last year? The Rangers do! Sorry guys. Nothing personal, but you were inconveniently in our way. I will avoid mentioning here that they seem to frequently smoke us in the regular season, because double standards are kind of my thing.

Islanders: I will admit freely that this is possibly the first time I have thought about the Islanders since we played them--it doesn't happen often. The Islanders are not Important at the moment, per se, or supposed to be very tough competition, but that didn't stop them beating us the last time we saw them and sending us into a slump. Plus, this is the NHL, not football or some shit--parity, bitches. Things can change at any moment. We will go ahead and hate them as a precaution, just in case.



LOOK AT ALL THIS POTENTIAL HOSTILITY. Ambiguously sexual hockey phrase of the day: these are teams that the Caps have no problem getting up for. Bring on the ugly seven-game series. Bring on the blood and gore.


  1. Only good thing about NJ coming to DC other than more frequent nap times? Finding new and more hilarious ways to taunt MB30, assuming that old motherfucker isn't retired next year of course...

    Anyone remember the 'Marty fears mirrors' game after his comments on Ovi's tinted visor?

  2. HAHA. yes. he gives us so much material!

    maybe he can take a nap during the games too, most of them are probably past his bedtime now.