If the Flyers are good for anything, though, it's getting an emotional reaction out of me, even if that reaction is typically confusion, horror, despair for humanity, and the loss of brain cells. These fuckers are about to become our full-time divisional squaredancing partners. Let's give them a warm welcome and show them what they're in for six times a year.
ANYONE WHO CAN STAND GETS A JERSEY AWARD
The Flyers organization is downright deceitful when it comes to this shit, and they are trying to throw all kinds of smoke screens up re: injured players at the moment. Here is a helpful guide to decoding what these people really mean.
"Chris Pronger has a cold." = "By which we mean a knee injury."
"Claude Giroux is feeling just fine." = "Claude Giroux got kneed in the head. The only game time decision here is whether or not he still knows how many fingers you're holding up."
"Bryzgalov has an equipment malfunction." = "We were silly to think that Ilya Bryzgalov could keep a straight face while lying to the press."
What this means for us: the Flyers may or may not be without their star goalie this game, may or may not be without Claude Giroux for this game*, who I guess we are supposed to be taking seriously now since, freed from the the spray-tanned shadow of the Richards/Carter era, he has started scoring goals and shit. We are not intimidated by Claude Giroux. Are you kidding me? The Capitals are not afraid of anyone. It's the Sidney Crosby rule--we wish you health so that we don't feel as bad when we crush your self-esteem by beating you 22-0.
They are definitely without general Issue of a person Chris Pronger, who is out indefinitely. That's a hell of a case of the sniffles, Holmgren.
We have not fared too well against banged-up teams so far this season so I am wary of chicken-counting. But none of these things hurt our chances.
*UPDATE: BRYZ IN GIROUX OUT. OH BOY.
*UPDATE: BRYZ IN GIROUX OUT. OH BOY.
THE FLYERS ARE THE WORST AWARD
Philly has two defensive strategies: acting like uncivilized wrecking balls, and standing around doing nothing** (**Tampa Bay only). You could choose to find the Flyers' general game plan of needlessly fucking with people impressive and thrilling. You would be wrong--as so many Flyers fans regularly are. This is not actual hockey and we would never invite this kind of wrecking ball to a fancy dinner.
Welcome to Dale Hunter's house, Flyers. If you're thinking you're going to push us around anymore, you are in for a rude awakening.
AND CONSIDERING THAT, BEING THE WORST FLYER IS PRETTY BAD
Come on, who did you think this award was going to?
Don't expect this man to get a warm reception at the VC. He is not our favorite.
He knows what he did.
IMPENDING LANDSLIDE AWARD
Alex Ovechkin's shots on goal for the past two games: eight, and seven. Alex Ovechkin's total moments when the puck should have gone into the net and didn't: unlimited.
Things do not keep on like this. This is going to break. And who better to give him the breakthrough than the team that he scored two against last time around?
Ovechkin Watch warning level: 9. Shit's about to get serious. I hope the photographers are bringing their A game.
Max Talbot as a Flyer.
Keep crying, Pittsburgh. Doesn't matter to us, we'll destroy him no matter what colors he's wearing. The Caps are all about equality like that.
We're tied in the East for best home record, shitstorm month regardless. Know what that means? You don't come into our house and win hockey games. We will not make it easy. Come to Washington for the ass-kicking, stay for the Christmas lights.
They're nice. But that's all you get from us.
Let's go December.
Let's go Caps.