Friday, December 23, 2011

Caps/Devils, 12/23/2011


Seriously, how did we walk out of there with a point? There was no way whatsoever for the Caps to have made that a hockey game, and they did anyway. Don't be too down on them for this game, they were just proving to you again that you never turn the TV off on this team.

The Devils are on notice for trying to ruin my Christmas Eve Eve. This is a morally wrong thing for them to do, and I hope that they know that. We don't care about the Devils having a good Christmas, we only care about us having a good Christmas. The Devils aren't even people.

For the entire first 20 minutes of the game the defense periodically stops playing in order to showcase Neuvirth's skills. It is like a drum solo.

He kills it.

This is very nice and all, but I'm thinking I would like to see some actual offense in some form. You know, if it's not too much trouble.

No dice--at least not unless "offense" translates to "penalty" in Russian, which you have to admit would explain a lot of things.

Devils broadcaster: "If I asked you who took that penalty, who would you guess?" They're onto us. It's Alex Semin. However, this is actually an awesome penalty as penalties go, if it had been a legal check it would have been highlight-reel. Everyone else is manifesting the Spirit of Dale Hunter by getting tougher and playing more physically, Semin is manifesting it by taking tougher and more physical penalties. Progress?

Neuvirth is probably the only player on the ice for the Capitals in the second period. The defense is eating popcorn and watching reruns of "Law & Order" while the Devils run amok. Please note for the future that this is not our best possible strategy for winning games.

The Devils' goalpost is actively playing hockey for their team. There needs to be a penalty called for this, there are too many men + posts on the ice. The crowd is chanting Brodeur's name after two consecutive saves made by a stationary piece of metal. Okay.

Kovalchuk scores just to remind us of how many millions of dollars he has sucked into his black hole of awful. Fuck you and the gold-plated horse you rode in on.

The Caps look a damn mess. I am thinking they may need to do that drill from Mighty Ducks where they all get tied up so they can learn to Skate Together.

Alexander Urbom scores. We are on suicide watch.

By the time Henrique's goal comes around, most of us are probably too drunk to feel it.

What have we done to deserve this? Please tell us so we can correct it. 

There's some more moping around to end the second period, but then in the locker room during the intermission, the Meat and Potatoes line glances up at each other. Their eyes meet. They know what they need to do.

Three goals is enough of a lead for the Devils. Time to go to work.


Brooks Laich is certified in Hockey Game CPR. He puts his hands to our chest, his mouth to our mouth, and he does what needs doing.

Not to fear, faint of heart. It is the Capitals' patented "play like shit for two periods and lull them into a false sense of security" game plan, and it works just beautifully. Even the goalpost turns coat and joins our team!



Jason Chimera, I don't know what you sold to the devil to get this season, but it was fucking worth it. Way to take one for the team.  

It's overtime and we can't believe that we are here. There is goodness in the world. We believe in Santa Claus.

Caps spend most of overtime being surprised about what they've accomplished and there are no goals scored.

Shootout. Patrick Elias and Ilya Kovalchuk are assholes. I have seen some nasty things written on bathroom walls about them, but I won't pass them on, because I am a lady.


BUT A POINT. I feel no shame whatsoever for taking the stupid loser point this time around, we need it, fuck you.

This was not the best game ever to happen, but oh well. Caps showed total confusion about how to play hockey for a vast majority of it, but they also showed toughness, and the ability to fight for the last gasps of air. Remember when we used to watch them lose 6-0 like they didn't give a fuck? This is so much better.

And it's Christmas.

All is forgiven.

2011 had its ups and downs, but there were ups. Try to remember them. 2012 will be better. Because the Caps are never going to lose again.

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