Tuesday, January 10, 2012

and the Lord said unto Job: a Pens/Caps pregame

1. There was a man in the land of Pittsburgh whose name was Dan Bylsma, and he was good and righteous, and wore many fedoras, and appeared to have a perfect family life, at least when there were cameras around. His team was very deep, even among the greatest in all of the East, and he coached well and prospered, and feared the hockey gods continually in his heart.

2. But lo the hockey gods came unto Gary Bettman, and Gary Bettman said unto them, "Hast thou considered my beautiful Penguins, that there are none like them in all the earth, and that Sidney Crosby is a perfect and upright man, and hast thou seen the poster of him that I have on my wall? His eyes are dreamy."

3. And the Gods said unto Bettman, "Yea verily they are dreamy, but hast thou not made a hedge around him, and around the Penguins on every side? Hast thou not given them a Stanley Cup, and many TV commercials with dramatic backlighting? We will put forth our hands now, and touch all that they have, and curse it, and we will test our servant Dan Bylsma to find the limits of his sanity. And besides," saith the hockey gods, "we are Caps fans anyway." 

4. And on the day when the Penguins and Capitals did skate outdoors, the Gods did strike Sidney Crosby down, and there was much sadness throughout the land, particularly in the 12-to-20-year-old female fan demographic.

5. And while Bylsma was yet mourning the loss of Crosby, the hockey gods stretched out their hand again and took Evgeni Malkin from him, and said unto him, "try to make the playoffs now, motherfucker." And Dan Bylsma did take it as a challenge.

6. And behold, the Penguins did continue to win hockey games, though reckless and mighty hockey players did gather from the four corners of the earth to destroy many Penguins, and lo, their center depth was laid waste. They did attempt once again to claim the Cup of Lord Stanley but that was just not happening, and they were given an A for effort and sent on their way.

7. And it came to pass that the hockey gods did pour it on. Malkin and even Crosby did briefly return to the roster, but that was mostly just teasing, and Penguins did continue to drop in a manner like unto flies.

8. And in the week that the Penguins lost Jordan Staal, the hockey gods declared that they would play the Washington Capitals, and Dan Bylsma said to them "do we have to?" And lo, they had to.

9. And behold the Washington Capitals did destroy the Penguins from off the face of the land, and did salt the earth behind them so that nothing grew thereafter, and the league did see that there was no pity in the hearts of the Capitals, only victory, and they were afraid.

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