how to be happy as a Caps fan right now

I tried to write a pregame for Flyers/Rangers but then accidentally I didn't feel like it. Everyone knows what's up right now. The Rangers are smoking, Lundqvist is even more smoking, especially in HD. The Rangers also have a penchant for kicking our asses in the regular season. This one is going to be uphill both ways. That doesn't make it impossible, though, it just makes it a challenge. 

Regardless: if you are having trouble dispersing sports-induced rainclouds above your head lately, hopefully the Caps will help you out with that tonight. If not, here are some other methods of denial/distraction/what have you. In case you're having trouble being happy as a Caps fan right now, apply these directly to forehead. 

1. Watch Evgeny Kuznetsov in the WJC. 
2. Watch Yakupov and Grigorenko in the WJC and daydream about The Possibilities. 
3. Remind yourself that Mike Green could be back very soon. 
4. Don't look at the standings. Ever. Just resist. I know it's tempting, but remember that there are many breakable objects in your home. 
5. Watch this video.
6. Find a way to fall in love with the players again. Try rereading the story about Brooks Laich changing someone's tire. Try going to a practice, if you can get there. 
7. Have a chat with a Columbus Blue Jackets fan. 
8. Have a chat with a Coyotes fan, and ask them how the ownership hunt is going. 
9. Check out the ticket price listings. Cheaper when the bandwagoners start peeling away, fuck yeah. 
10. Be stubborn and ornery. Develop a "fuck you, you can't MAKE me leave" attitude. You against the Caps, game of chicken. Who's going to blink first?
    

As a precaution, have someone who loves you remove all sharp objects from your reach while you watch this game, but enjoy it, because it's Caps hockey, and you love that, remember? This too shall pass. Be there to see it. 

Let's go Caps fans. 

Let's go Caps. 

hockey team made up of US presidents

For no reason whatsoever, my friend Alexis at Howlin' For You and I started spitballing on the topic of US presidents as hockey players yesterday. It probably had something to do with World Juniors and rampant patriotism run amok. It usually does. So presented with no other explanation and zero apology, here is a roster made up of US Presidents.

Plus Patrick Henry.

FIRST LINE

Harry Truman (scorer) - John F. Kennedy (star center, alt captain) - Dwight D. Eisenhower (hitter) 

SECOND LINE

 John Quincy Adams (problematic skill player) - Woodrow Wilson (playmaker) - James K. Polk (wheels)

THIRD LINE

Jimmy Carter (stone hands) - John Adams (pest) - Richard Nixon (takes lots of penalties)

FOURTH LINE

Herbert Hoover (bad contract) - Teddy Roosevelt (energy guy, alt captain) - Andrew Jackson (enforcer)

1ST PAIRING

George Washington (power play QB, captain) - Abraham Lincoln (great reach)

2ND PAIRING

Calvin Coolidge (stay-at-home D) - James Madison (offensive D)

3RD PAIRING

Ulysses S. Grant (disappointing prospect) - James Garfield (stay-at-home D)

GOALIE

Thomas Jefferson

BACKUP GOALIE

Lyndon B. Johnson 

COACH

Patrick Henry ("give me forechecking or give me death!")

GENERAL MANAGER

Franklin D. Roosevelt

hilarious tragicomedy in Buffalo, NY

I ask this out of genuine curiosity--in what world is Wizards basketball more important than Caps hockey? Do those people even win games? I have not heard of this occurring, ever.

If we got anything out of the Wizard's preempting the Caps game and sending us into the godless land of of regular definition, though, it was a new level of appreciation for how fortunate we are. I know this season hasn't been all that fun, but every time you are down about the Capitals, just think to yourself...what if you were a Wizards fan?

Things could be worse. Even worse than they were tonight.

I'm serious.

OF NOTE

• I know this is a controversial opinion, but I am honestly starting to suspect that Roman Hamrlik is not part of the solution.
• I wonder if anyone has informed the Capitals that there is a whole other zone available for play? 
• The first two goals were probably my fault. I was still trying to make mashed potatoes at this point, and these goals against were scored specifically to remind me that missing even a second of Caps hockey is inexcusable. Thanks for the reminder. Maybe just a nice note next time.
• 4-2. Hahahaha. Laugh with me. It's more fun than crying, at least until people start edging away and talking about calming medication.
• Despite the way the game was going, Ovechkin refused to relinquish The Fire. I can't help but encouraged by him sometimes, even when things are bad. 
• Hendricks' first of the year! That makes him the last regular forward to score. Woo. 

SOME THINGS TO CHEER YOU UP

Here is a cat made out of oranges. 

Here is Samuel L. Jackson as Nick Fury. 

Here is some salted caramel vodka hot chocolate. 

And here's a recipe for it. Drinking is also a good way to distract yourself from The Problem.

There are all these depressing stats everywhere about how we will never make the playoffs, ever, and we should just commit ritual suicide because of the awfulness of everything. Bullshit. I do not believe it. 

Everyone stop crying now, please, we are hockey fans and we have a reputation to uphold. There are plenty of hockey games left to play, and that is not a single thing that's bad about that. Keep your head up. Things will be okay, eventually, but we don't need them to be perfect all the time, we are not going to be the spoiled brats that some fanbases are.

Remember, sometimes forgiveness is part of love. 

Let's go Caps. 

Caps/Sabres pregame

Welcome back to hockey. I hope that you had a good Christmas. I hope that the Caps had a good Christmas, but that's enough of this downtime shit, we're jumping right back into things, and the boys had better be ready to go. Perhaps Santa left some offensive potency in their stockings for them? We can only hope. So far this season the Capitals have 400 points in my heart, but maybe not quite that many in actual reality. This is a gap that needs to be corrected.

We play the Sabres not once but twice this week, so it's in our best interest to come out swinging. We don't want them getting any funny ideas.

PRO TIP: PROBABLY TRY NOT TO RUN THEIR GOALIE

Because lord knows we do not need to involve ourselves in the dramafest. We have better things to do with our time. 

IDENTITY CRISIS AWARD

That is Buffalo's assigned media narrative right now--that they're struggling with their identity, like they're Britney Spears about to travel cross-country to find themselves, and true love and friendship. 

Hey, maybe it's worth a shot. They've tried everything else. 

Regardless, all of this is probably severely fraying Buffalo's last nerve. Not that I would ever encourage our team to harass or make fun of them in order to enrage and throw them off. That would be wrong. I am just saying that it might work. 

BEST SERVED COLD AWARD

Besides, they were the ones who kicked us while we were down when we saw them last. Arguably, that bad loss to Buffalo was the moment when Bruce Boudreau lost his job--and even though we're happy with the coach we have now, this still needs to be avenged. Blood for the blood god. 

BABY STEP OF THE NIGHT

Tonight the goal is to play hockey before the last ten minute of the game. Let's see how that goes. 

I know we're having trouble stringing wins together, but more important at the moment is to avoid stringing together losses. Our season isn't looking marvelous but then again it isn't looking terrible yet, either, and this is pretty much the point when it's going to tip in one direction or the other. Time to start playing every game like it's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals. Hypnosis might be needed.

Points! Let's get some more of them.

Let's go Caps.

merry christmas, Capsland

It's about time for even us bloggers to close down the shop, there is very important Chex Mix to make and an intimidating list of Christmas movies to watch. I am out of here for a few days, and I plan to have a fucking awesome Christmas, so you should do the same.

Best of wishes to the Capitals as they get a few days of well-earned rest, and to the Caps fandom, which is a beautiful tropical paradise of brilliance and snappy writing. You're all cool. I like you. Here's a special award that I got for you.

Put it on your virtual mantel. It's very prestigious. 

Special thanks to Sick, Unbelievable, Ian Oland of RMNB, Caps Basketball, Caps News Network and Japer's Rink for linking this blog places and encouraging people to read it, because clearly they don't like those people very much. They get EXTRA special awards that I am not even going to show here because they are so goddamned special. 

What a year. 

Merry Christmas, everybody. 

Caps/Devils, 12/23/2011

AGAINST EVERY ODD IN THE KNOWN WORLD.

Seriously, how did we walk out of there with a point? There was no way whatsoever for the Caps to have made that a hockey game, and they did anyway. Don't be too down on them for this game, they were just proving to you again that you never turn the TV off on this team.

The Devils are on notice for trying to ruin my Christmas Eve Eve. This is a morally wrong thing for them to do, and I hope that they know that. We don't care about the Devils having a good Christmas, we only care about us having a good Christmas. The Devils aren't even people.


For the entire first 20 minutes of the game the defense periodically stops playing in order to showcase Neuvirth's skills. It is like a drum solo.

He kills it.

This is very nice and all, but I'm thinking I would like to see some actual offense in some form. You know, if it's not too much trouble.

No dice--at least not unless "offense" translates to "penalty" in Russian, which you have to admit would explain a lot of things.

Devils broadcaster: "If I asked you who took that penalty, who would you guess?" They're onto us. It's Alex Semin. However, this is actually an awesome penalty as penalties go, if it had been a legal check it would have been highlight-reel. Everyone else is manifesting the Spirit of Dale Hunter by getting tougher and playing more physically, Semin is manifesting it by taking tougher and more physical penalties. Progress?

Neuvirth is probably the only player on the ice for the Capitals in the second period. The defense is eating popcorn and watching reruns of "Law & Order" while the Devils run amok. Please note for the future that this is not our best possible strategy for winning games.

The Devils' goalpost is actively playing hockey for their team. There needs to be a penalty called for this, there are too many men + posts on the ice. The crowd is chanting Brodeur's name after two consecutive saves made by a stationary piece of metal. Okay.

Kovalchuk scores just to remind us of how many millions of dollars he has sucked into his black hole of awful. Fuck you and the gold-plated horse you rode in on.

The Caps look a damn mess. I am thinking they may need to do that drill from Mighty Ducks where they all get tied up so they can learn to Skate Together.

Alexander Urbom scores. We are on suicide watch.

By the time Henrique's goal comes around, most of us are probably too drunk to feel it.

What have we done to deserve this? Please tell us so we can correct it. 

There's some more moping around to end the second period, but then in the locker room during the intermission, the Meat and Potatoes line glances up at each other. Their eyes meet. They know what they need to do.

Three goals is enough of a lead for the Devils. Time to go to work.

HAPPIEST DELETION OF EVERYTHING I HAVE WRITTEN THUS FAR

Brooks Laich is certified in Hockey Game CPR. He puts his hands to our chest, his mouth to our mouth, and he does what needs doing.

Not to fear, faint of heart. It is the Capitals' patented "play like shit for two periods and lull them into a false sense of security" game plan, and it works just beautifully. Even the goalpost turns coat and joins our team!

Goal.

TWO GOALS.

Jason Chimera, I don't know what you sold to the devil to get this season, but it was fucking worth it. Way to take one for the team.  

It's overtime and we can't believe that we are here. There is goodness in the world. We believe in Santa Claus.

Caps spend most of overtime being surprised about what they've accomplished and there are no goals scored.

Shootout. Patrick Elias and Ilya Kovalchuk are assholes. I have seen some nasty things written on bathroom walls about them, but I won't pass them on, because I am a lady.

Loss.

BUT A POINT. I feel no shame whatsoever for taking the stupid loser point this time around, we need it, fuck you.

This was not the best game ever to happen, but oh well. Caps showed total confusion about how to play hockey for a vast majority of it, but they also showed toughness, and the ability to fight for the last gasps of air. Remember when we used to watch them lose 6-0 like they didn't give a fuck? This is so much better.

And it's Christmas.

All is forgiven.

2011 had its ups and downs, but there were ups. Try to remember them. 2012 will be better. Because the Caps are never going to lose again.

Caps/Devils pregame

We're headed up to New Jersey today, which is something we're going to be doing a lot more of once realignment goes through. Sigh. This is one of the new divisional opponents that I am maybe not thrilled about, sorry Jersey.

As Caps fans, we value entertainment--exciting, dynamic hockey, dazzling skill and nerve and beautiful plays. We don't know what the Devils are valuing, because it doesn't seem to be any of that.

But indifference is dangerous. It weakens us. Let's dig around and see if we can find some really good hate around here somewhere, because a la Peter Laviolette, Caps are at the point where every game needs to be burning in them right now. Let's light this shit on fire.

LEAPFROG MANEUVER AWARD

More important than anything is that if we beat the Devils tonight, we not only jump over them in the standings but also the Jets. This is important on account of I get antsy when we are out of playoffs standings, even when the playoffs are nowhere in sight. Eighth place is so much better than tenth place. 

PENALTY KILLINGEST MOTHERFUCKERS IN THE LAND

It is the Devils. 

They've killed ninety-six percent of PP chances on home ice. Ninety. Six. Oh my stars. Considering that our power play is just starting to come to life again like a precious tiny flower bud that needs to be protected, this could be a trial. We sure wish we had Mike Green right about now. Hey, why don't we have Mike Green, again? 

(via Washington Examiner)

OH YEAH. BECAUSE OF THE DEVILS. 

ON THE OTHER HAND WE COULD PROBABLY JUST WAIT FOR 

THEM TO GO ON THE POWER PLAY

Because they have given up TEN shorthanded goals on the season so far. Count 'em. Ten. May be some screws you want to tighten there, NJD--but of course not till we've left town, if it's all the same. 

CARLZNER AWARD

Our very favorite yin and yang are spending some extra quality time together on this road trip, Carlson apparently inviting Alzner to dinner at his house last night. Yes. Everyone approves of this. Please continue your slow fusion into a single entity, thanks in advance, and here's to some good old home cooking from Mrs. Captain America. 

HOT HAND AWARD

Michal Neuvirth has chosen to ascend beyond the level of human this month, so he gets the start again. Cool. I love both of our goalies in equal measure but guess what I love more than both of them combined? Winning hockey games. 

So let's do that, huh? We didn't end things on the greatest note with the Devils last time we saw them, and it's about time to set things straight. This is a team that belongs underneath your team in the standings, and tonight's one of those rare nights that they can directly make that happen. 

Let's go Caps.